A new month, a new journey

January and February have both come and gone rather quickly. And now March has arrived. It is a new month, a new week, a new day… a new chance, a new experience, a new journey.

This month I want my journey to focus on mental health. After recently being diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder type II, I have become much more aware of how my mental health has been affecting my physical health and my overall wellbeing. The more I struggle with my mental health, the worse I feel physically and emotionally. So this month will be a month of focusing on how to control the issues, impulses, urges, etc. in healthy ways. This month will be about figuring out my needs and desires and how to achieve them. This month will not be just about the destination, but also about having a happy and healthy journey along the way.

Come with me. Join the journey.

Forever and for always,

Ashley Grace

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She was wounded,
fragile,
a somehow wonderful trainwreck.
Looking at her,
you could just tell,
someday and somehow,
she would be fantastic –
magnificent –
something absolutely,
undeniably perfect.
She couldn’t see it.
She couldn’t see past
her own delicate,
divine,
beautiful mess
to see that little by little
she was becoming everything
that she had always hoped
she someday would be.

Don’t embrace the suck

Looking at my life it’s not difficult to see that it’s a good life; so, I wonder, why do I feel so discontent and unhappy?

I have a family and a husband that would do anything for me and loves me more than I could put into words. I have friends that appreciate and respect me for who I am. I have a decent job that is leading me one step closer to my dream. I have a cat that clearly adores and needs me. I am in relatively good health all things considered. I have a nice little apartment that doesn’t cost too much and is in a decent location. I have a car that is reliable enough to get me from point a to point b without me even having to think twice about it. I am completing the last few classes of my undergrad degree. I am blessed with a gift for writing and singing. And most importantly, I have an ever growing relationship with my Heavenly Father, His son Jesus Christ, and the Holy Spirit.

I asked myself why do I consistently feel depressed and alone and as if I am desperately trying to keep my head above the water? Well… It finally hit me… Even with all those positive things going on in my life, there is so much negativity constantly fighting to be the center of my attention. It has won that battle for far too long; so, it is time for things to change.

I will be taking a step back from the people, places, and things that make me feel the sense of overwhelming negativity that has plagued me as of late. I apologize to those of you that may be affected by this. If I am distant, please do not think that I do not care about you or the things you may be struggling with; but rather understand and support that I am focusing on my own struggles and what I need to do to conquer them. Or better yet, consider it a challenge! Think of it as my way of challenging you to focus on being happy and positive in your own life. Think of it as my way of challenging you to let go of the negativity and embrace a spirit of joy and thankfulness.

Happiness is a choice. And I am choosing it now.

The beginning….

Throughout my existence I have never felt truly at home anywhere I have been. I have never felt at peace or content or one with the world around me. I am a constant battle within myself. There is this incredible, insatiable, overwhelming darkness that is never ending and always attempting to wage war within me, to devour me whole and drag me down into the deepest depths of hell. Then there is a beautiful, undeniable, unfailing light, my highest inner light, my guide, my peace, my will, my unquenchable desire and lust for life and all that is good and pure and lovely. These two sides to me are like split personalities. They are both me. But neither is me completely. The darkness is everything I hate about myself; she is my past, my mistakes, my loneliness, my depression, my anger, my eating disorder, my body dismorphia, my regrets, my insecurities, my doubts, and ultimately she is all of my shortcomings and my failures. And the light is everything I aspire to be; she is my future, my hope, my beliefs, my writing, the way I imagine myself, the love I have for my future children, my desire to open a camp, my love for my mentorship child, my family, my faith, and ultimately all the potential and positive things that lie deep within me. I fight hard for these two to find balance. In this moment, I am hopeful that my light will outshine my darkness; yet, my darkness prevails in much of my life. Something must change if I am to let the light shine through.