Nothing More Than This

Head back against the wall 

eyes closed 

listening to the breeze as it rustles through the trees.

Warm air sweeps over my skin. 

Even in this simple peaceful moment 

I feel you. 

I hear you. 

You call me, 

beckoning me, 

telling me to just listen, 

to just trust you. 

You make it sound so simple, 

so easy. 

And I want to. 

Oh, how I want to. 

And in this moment 

I wish I was stronger, 

strong enough to let it go, 

strong enough to not need to be in control. 

In this moment 

I wish my heart longed for nothing 

more than it longs for you, 

for nothing but you. 

I am broken 

and I am damaged. 

I have no words 

to fill the emptiness in my self 

in my heart 

in my mind 

in my soul. 

I am left wanting, 

longing, 

desperately needing more. 

Be my more. 

Be all I need. 

Be my everything. 

Teach me to trust you 

and need nothing more than this. 

Hold On

Hold on

I hold on so tightly that I can’t catch my breath. It feels as if my clenched fingers are wrapped around my own neck, slowly strangling me. I attempt to scream but nothing escapes my lips because of the vice like grip on my throat. I hold on so tightly, too tightly, when I know I need to let go so I can breathe again. Desperate for control, I refuse to give it up to you, to admit maybe you have a better plan than any I could have come up with on my own. I hold on so tightly that I find myself alienated from you again. I have become unwilling to concede to the idea that you just might know what you are doing and I just might be getting in your way. Your hands gently attempt to remove mine, to pry them away, to make me release it all to you. “I can’t,” I say scared of not being in control. “I won’t,” I say like a spoiled little child. Still you work at my hands, loosening them gently. They are bloodied and bruised. The cuts and scrapes from holding on so tightly will leave scars that might never heal. And still as you free me from my own grasp, I am clawing and scratching my way back, arguing with you every step of the way. I beg you for help but fight against you as it comes. I hold on so tightly to all of my selfish need for control, when what I should have been holding tightly to all along is you.