It has been far too long since I’ve been on here. But I always seem to struggle with knowing what to write about on here for regular day-to-day type stuff. I haven’t quite found my niche as a blogger. So tonight I sat questioning what to write about. I want to be more consistent in blogging regularly, but that’s hard to do when you don’t have a focus. So, I narrowed it down to a few important topics taking prevalence in my life right now: Bipolar, Binging, and a Baby.
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Bipolar
It’s been almost three years since I was diagnosed as being bipolar.
Typically, when people hear the diagnosis “bipolar” they think of type I bipolar, someone whose mood swings are severe and cycle rapidly. Whereas a type II bipolar usually displays more mild mood swings – hypomanic (excitable and hyperactive) phases followed by periods of severe depression. I fall into the later category.
It’s funny how that simple little diagnosis suddenly made years of problems and struggles make sense to me. In high school I was diagnosed with depression. The problem was, they missed the hypomanic episodes that intermittently popped up, and thus missed the true diagnosis. By missing the mild-manic episodes and only seeing the depression, I was prescribed anti-depressant after anti-depressant. They only seemed to make things worse. I felt fuzzy. I felt lethargic. I felt even more depressed than before. I could never seem to figure out why. Finally, a doctor saw the real issue and gave me a combination of Abilify, Brintellix, and Vyvanse (for the ADHD). Within a few days I started feeling better. Within weeks, I felt better than I had in years.
Fast forward a few months…. I got pregnant and went off all my meds for the safety of my baby. Now, I’m breastfeeding and still can’t take the meds I was on before. And, of course, my health insurance won’t cover a trip to a psychiatrist to find a new combination of medications that are breastfeeding friendly.
Each day is a struggle to balance the mood swings and highetened emotions with what I know in my head to be reality. Each day I have to remind myself that its okay to have those feelings, but i need to learn to not be controlled and overruled by them.
Binging
The eating disorder issue goes hand in hand with the Bipolar disorder.
During the hypomanic episodes I tend to (usually unintentionally) starve myself. I get too excited and too busy to slow down and eat. And I am running around like a crazy person and usually going to the gym a lot so I usually end up losing quite a bit of weight during these episodes.
Then when the depression kicks back in I go into full on binge eating disorder mode. I eat anything and everything. It doesn’t matter if I am hungry or not. It doesnt matter if I already feel sick to my stomach from eating too much. I just eat and eat and eat. I have tried diet after diet. I have tried exercise programs and religious groups and everything else under the sun. Nothing ever seems to stick long term. And I gain a ton of weight and feel horrible about myself and it just makes the depression worse. Learning to find healthy outlets for my emotions rather than giving into the binges is a constant struggle that permeates every area of my life.
Baby
On September 26th, 2016 my whole world changed. I found out I was pregnant. After a kinda rough pregnancy, on June 5th I had my beautiful, wonderful little boy. He is truly the light of my life. I cannot imagine loving anything more than I love this child.
That being said, being a mom is hard. Like harder than anything you can possibly imagine. Until you’ve done it, you really have no idea. I thought I knew everything. I thought I would be great at it (not that I’m not great, but I still have a lot to learn). I thought it would come so easily and naturally, and sometimes it does…and other times I have to work at it.
Each and every day I have to make choices that will help shape and mold this tiny human into a functioning member of society. Each laugh, smile, giggle, and development makes me feel like I am on cloud 9. Nothing could be as scary and hard and so worth every crazy amazing moment.
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A Heart of Grace 