Bipolar, Body Image, and my Baby

Yet again, I let myself wander away from this blog. I think it is mainly because I always seem to struggle with knowing what to write about on here for regular day-to-day type stuff. I haven’t quite found my niche as a blogger.

So, tonight I sat questioning what to write about. I want to be more consistent in blogging regularly, but that’s hard to do when you don’t have a focus. So, I narrowed it down to a few important topics taking prevalence in my life right now: Bipolar, Body Image, and my Baby.

Bipolar

It’s been three and a half years since I was diagnosed as being bipolar.

Typically, when people hear the diagnosis “bipolar” they think of Type 1 Bipolar, someone whose mood swings are severe and cycle rapidly. Whereas a Type 2 Bipolar usually displays more mild mood swings  – hypomanic (excitable and hyperactive) phases followed by periods of severe depression. I fall into the later category.

It’s funny how that simple little diagnosis suddenly made years of problems and struggles make sense to me. In high school I was diagnosed with depression. The problem was, they missed the manic episodes that intermittently popped up, and thus missed the true diagnosis. By missing the mild-manic episodes and only seeing the depression, I was prescribed anti-depressant after anti-depressant. They only seemed to make things worse. I felt fuzzy. I felt lethargic. I felt even more depressed than before. I could never seem to figure out why. Finally, a doctor saw the real issue and gave me a combination of Abilify, Brintellix, and Vyvanse (for the ADHD). Within a few days I started feeling better. Within weeks, I felt better than I had in years, maybe better than I had ever.

Fast forward a few months…. I got pregnant and went off all my meds for the safety of my baby. Then I was breastfeeding and still couldn’t take the medicine I was on before. And, of course, my health insurance wouldn’t cover a trip to a psychiatrist to find a new combination of medications that were breastfeeding friendly.

So, one option for writing would be to focus on my struggle through bipolar disorder and day to day life.

 

Body

Growing up I was never one of the skinny, beautiful, popular girls. Looking back, I was fairly average. But at the time it didn’t feel that way. It started a terrible, out-of-control, downward spiral. I would feel all these overwhelming feelings and have these crazy thoughts running through my head that would lead me to depression and anxiety. I would binge to make myself feel better. And in the moment, it would work. But it continued to cause me to gain weight and that would make me even more miserable and alone.

Then there were these rare periods where I would be super motivated. I would exercise. And I would restrict my intake or stop eating almost completely. And I would lose weight and feel good about myself. But it would never last. It would be a few days, weeks, maybe a month at best.

And then I would rebound back into the binge eating and be the emotional train wreck that I was before. And gain even more than I had lost. Over and over this cycle repeated.

It wasn’t until I finally got my bipolar diagnosis that I finally began to understand what was happening to me. When my depression kicked in, I would go through a binge phase. And when the manic moments happened that’s when severe restricting and weight loss happened.

For the past few months I’ve been working on trying to find healthier coping strategies to deal with my depression and mania. One thing that has really helped me has been finding a healthier diet that really works for me. I’ve been doing the ketogenic diet since the beginning of November. I’ll post more on that later. Promise! Oh, and I’m training for a half marathon in a few weeks. Disney Princess Half! So excited.

Baby

As I mentioned above, I am now a mommy! I have the sweetest, most beautiful 20 month old baby boy. His name is Joshua and he is the light of my life. There are no words for the joy he brings me. But I promise I will be posting stuff about him now. For example… cute Joshua story:

Jeremy (my husband) asked him to say cat and Joshua responded “Caaaaaat”
Jeremy asked Joshua to say dog and he said “Dooooh.”
Then, Jeremy asked him to say car and Joshua goes “Beep! Beep!”

He is always doing silly stuff like that. So you’ll be getting fun little stories like that now and then. And maybe even some pictures? Idk. Haven’t decided on that yet. Anyway….

 

 

If you’ve stayed with me for this long, thanks!! I’ll still be posting my writing of lyrics and poems and other random stuff I am thinking about; but, hopefully you also enjoy the other posts that will come from this new directional focus.

 

❤ always,

Ashley Grace

I drank the orange kool-aid

….The orange theory fitness kinda kool-aid that is. And it is beyond addicting…

I came to realize that my plan of “just eat healthy and exercise more” was not quite working for me. So drastic measures had to be taken.

In November, a cousin of mine (who I would like to note has always been beautiful and strong and wonderful regardless of her weight or size or any other physical attributes) started doing Orange Theory. In the past 6 months she has dropped close to 80 pounds. Amazed by her strength and commitment, I decided to take the plunge when a new OTF studio opened just up the road from my apartment.

So for those of you who don’t know, here is the breakdown on how the whole Orange Theory thing works…

You walk into the studio to see 3 distinct areas.

Treadmills, Rowers, and Weights.

When you work out at OTF, you will either start with cardio (treadmills) or start with strength (rowers and weights). You get to pick where you want to start, and half way through, the trainer will tell you to switch.

While you are working out, one trainer will give instructions over the headset while the other checks out your form and answers any questions or addresses any problems you may run into. Its great having two coaches available to make sure you are getting the best out of your workout.

Trainer with the headset calls out instructions.

For treadmill this looks like “60 seconds at a push pace. Walkers up to 6% incline, Joggers and runners increase speed by 2 mph over your base. In 3…2…1…Go!”

And in the weight section it is demonstrating each exercise (which is also displayed on a tv screen) and letting you know how long or how far to row between sets.

During the workout you wear a body monitor (either across your ribcage or on your wrist). The information from the monitor is displayed on a TV in the gym so you can see your progress. The premise behind Orange Theory is that you want to be in the Orange zone of your heart rate for 12 minutes of the class (and no, this does not have to be a straight 12 minutes, it can be broken up through out the class!).

Each time you spend a minute in the Orange Zone you earn a splat point (the symbol above). By reaching 12 splat points in a workout, your body achieves something called Excess Post-Exercises Oxygen Consumption (EPOC), also known as the afterburn. EPOC/afterburn is basically the body using oxygen to restore and rebuild the muscle after this type of intense workout. When you get to the EPOC level, your body will continue to burn calories at an increased rate for up to 36 hours after the class!!! And that is why OTF gets such amazing results in such a short amount of time.

The workouts are intense to say the least. Each time, I feel like I am 2 seconds away from an asthma attack (even though I have my inhaler). And I am not gonna lie, getting up at 4am to get to the 5am class to be home before the baby wakes up absolutely sucks.

But starting my day with something healthy and hard makes me feel amazing. And even though I am tired and sore, I feel empowered and motivated. I feel like I am unstoppable. So I will continue to drink the Orange Kool-Aid.

 

 

 

 

Always ❤

Ashley Grace

Bipolar, Binging, Baby

It has been far too long since I’ve been on here. But I always seem to struggle with knowing what to write about on here for regular day-to-day type stuff. I haven’t quite found my niche as a blogger. So tonight I sat questioning what to write about. I want to be more consistent in blogging regularly, but that’s hard to do when you don’t have a focus. So, I narrowed it down to a few important topics taking prevalence in my life right now: Bipolar, Binging, and a Baby.

…

…

…

Bipolar

It’s been almost three years since I was diagnosed as being bipolar.

Typically, when people hear the diagnosis “bipolar” they think of type I bipolar, someone whose mood swings are severe and cycle rapidly. Whereas a type II bipolar usually displays more mild mood swings – hypomanic (excitable and hyperactive) phases followed by periods of severe depression. I fall into the later category.

It’s funny how that simple little diagnosis suddenly made years of problems and struggles make sense to me. In high school I was diagnosed with depression. The problem was, they missed the hypomanic episodes that intermittently popped up, and thus missed the true diagnosis. By missing the mild-manic episodes and only seeing the depression, I was prescribed anti-depressant after anti-depressant. They only seemed to make things worse. I felt fuzzy. I felt lethargic. I felt even more depressed than before. I could never seem to figure out why. Finally, a doctor saw the real issue and gave me a combination of Abilify, Brintellix, and Vyvanse (for the ADHD). Within a few days I started feeling better. Within weeks, I felt better than I had in years.

Fast forward a few months…. I got pregnant and went off all my meds for the safety of my baby. Now, I’m breastfeeding and still can’t take the meds I was on before. And, of course, my health insurance won’t cover a trip to a psychiatrist to find a new combination of medications that are breastfeeding friendly.

Each day is a struggle to balance the mood swings and highetened emotions with what I know in my head to be reality. Each day I have to remind myself that its okay to have those feelings, but i need to learn to not be controlled and overruled by them.

Binging

The eating disorder issue goes hand in hand with the Bipolar disorder.

During the hypomanic episodes I tend to (usually unintentionally) starve myself. I get too excited and too busy to slow down and eat. And I am running around like a crazy person and usually going to the gym a lot so I usually end up losing quite a bit of weight during these episodes.

Then when the depression kicks back in I go into full on binge eating disorder mode. I eat anything and everything. It doesn’t matter if I am hungry or not. It doesnt matter if I already feel sick to my stomach from eating too much. I just eat and eat and eat. I have tried diet after diet. I have tried exercise programs and religious groups and everything else under the sun. Nothing ever seems to stick long term. And I gain a ton of weight and feel horrible about myself and it just makes the depression worse. Learning to find healthy outlets for my emotions rather than giving into the binges is a constant struggle that permeates every area of my life.

Baby

On September 26^th, 2016 my whole world changed. I found out I was pregnant. After a kinda rough pregnancy, on June 5^th I had my beautiful, wonderful little boy. He is truly the light of my life. I cannot imagine loving anything more than I love this child.

That being said, being a mom is hard. Like harder than anything you can possibly imagine. Until you’ve done it, you really have no idea. I thought I knew everything. I thought I would be great at it (not that I’m not great, but I still have a lot to learn). I thought it would come so easily and naturally, and sometimes it does…and other times I have to work at it.

Each and every day I have to make choices that will help shape and mold this tiny human into a functioning member of society. Each laugh, smile, giggle, and development makes me feel like I am on cloud 9. Nothing could be as scary and hard and so worth every crazy amazing moment.

…

…

…

So looking at these three things, they kinda make up the majority of my life. In some way or another, everything I do connects back to them in some way. So maybe picking one of these three isn’t the answer. Maybe its all of them. Maybe the answer is just doing a day to day lifestyle blog and seeing where that leads. Maybe, I just do my thing and figure it out as I go and hopefully y’all will join me for the journey…

Always,

Ashley Grace

Changes.

As you may have noticed, there have been a lot of changes to my blog lately. A lot of updates and layout changes and new formatting etc. etc. these changes are all just a part of the way that I am planning on making the site better. So if anybody has any input I would love to hear your feedback. 

The next big change and I will be working on this to the actual content of the blog. Don’t worry, I won’t be getting rid of my usual poetry or other random ramblings; however, I want to add things to the blog to make it better. One thing that I have asked friends and family members and some of my readers to give me feedback on is the top three articles that you feel would pertain to your life. Here’s some of the feedback that I’ve been given…

– social media addiction

– the emasculation of the modern man

– Christianity and feminism

– gym and nutrition

– advice for engaged & newly married couples

– facing your fears and living your dreams

– finding your self worth outside of relationships

And a few others.  What do y’all think.  What would you like to see more of? Articles like the above? Other ideas? DIY/arts and crafts? Recipes & nutrition & fitness? Lifestyle and random activities? I want to hear from you!!

A new month, a new journey

January and February have both come and gone rather quickly. And now March has arrived. It is a new month, a new week, a new day… a new chance, a new experience, a new journey.

This month I want my journey to focus on mental health. After recently being diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder type II, I have become much more aware of how my mental health has been affecting my physical health and my overall wellbeing. The more I struggle with my mental health, the worse I feel physically and emotionally. So this month will be a month of focusing on how to control the issues, impulses, urges, etc. in healthy ways. This month will be about figuring out my needs and desires and how to achieve them. This month will not be just about the destination, but also about having a happy and healthy journey along the way.

Come with me. Join the journey.

Forever and for always,

Ashley Grace

Welcome to One-derland

I recently posted about my struggle with my weight, my eating disorder, and my health. Opening up to you all and posting that on the Internet was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. I felt naked. I felt so open and vulnerable. I felt out of control. And that’s scary for me. Very scary.

Well now I want to share in a success I’ve had since that original post…

Anyone who watches the TV show The Biggest Loser will be familiar with the term “one-derland.” Onederland is what happens when you break the 200 pound barrier and have a 1 in front of your weight.

It’s been over 5 years since I was in Onederland. And I’m finally there again.

I almost cried when I saw that number on the scale.

This journey has been so hard. And has tried my patience and self control. It has taught me a lot about myself.

Having to wait for the results I want, to be healthy in my weight loss, has been torture. But I know it will be worth it when I can keep the weight off and not fall back into my yoyo unhealthy habits.

So I’m giving myself a little pat on the back and saying welcome to onederland. Enjoy it. Be happy. Keep going. Just breathe.

My Healthy, Happy Lifestyle Change

Let’s be real, I’ve been living the lose weight/gain weight, binge/starve, over and over,  yo-yo diet, unhealthy lifestyle for a long time now. When do you finally say “enough is enough”? When do you finally realize that what you’re doing clearly isn’t working and it is time to change for good?

 

Well let me tell you when it happened for me…

 

For me, it was a photograph…

 

It was THIS photograph…

 

Looking at that picture, I don’t even recognize myself. I see my mother on the left. I see my cousin in the middle. But who is that chubby, bloated, fake-smile, double chin, arm blubber, overweight, puffy looking creature on the right?

Oh…            yeah…           that’s me.

Seeing that picture back in August made me realize just how bad I had let things get.

225.6 pounds bad to be exact.

And I knew it was time for a change…

 

I won’t lie and say it’s been easy. It’s been far from it. It’s been learning to do a lot of things differently. It meant cutting out most of the gluten in my diet, no more soda, less candy, less sports drinks and juices, less snacks. And it meant portion control. Soooo much easier said than done! I love junk food. I love sugar and carbs. I love all the things that are bad for me. So cutting a lot of them out has been a struggle. And I slip up. a lot. Especially because I am an emotional and boredom binge eater! But then I remind myself that I am only human and I try to get back on track.

 

And it meant more fruits, veggies, lean proteins, and even vitamins. It also meant thyroid medication. And allergy and asthma medication. This part comes fairly easy. I can just toss the fruits and veggies in the bullet blender and make a yummy shake (I will post some of my recipes soon!) and I’m good to go. It’s expensive but so worth it. When I take the medication I need, take vitamins, and eat right I feel so much better. It really is true. When you eat like crap, you feel like crap; but, when you eat healthy, you feel healthy.

 

And it meant exercising. This is the part I hate the most. I hate exercising. I get bored. And its cold outside. And I’m too tired. And I find a million and one excuses not to do it. But I recently broke out the wii fit and started using that, I try to do zumba on the wii or through this awesome youtube channel by Sydney Tatum, I’m getting into yoga again, and I’m even contemplating starting rock climbing and maybe getting a belay certification and an instructor certification over the summer (eek!). So now it’s just about getting myself into the habit of being healthy and active.

 

Just with the little lifestyle changes I have made so far I have seen so much change!

 

This morning I weighed in at 200.8 pounds! That means since August (when the picture was taken) I have lost a total of 24.8 pounds!!! Only .2 away from 25. And only .9 away from what The Biggest Loser refers to as “one-derland” (being at a weight with a 1 at the beginning of it).

 

Remember that girl in the photo before?

Well here’s her now…

 

 

A whole lot happier. A whole lot healthier. And on my way to the life and body I’ve always dreamed of (and deserved).

 

Follow my blog to stay updated about all the awesome things I try and learn as I get healthier and happier. I’ll be posting recipes, exercises, fitness tips and techniques, reviews, links to free resources, and all sorts of other stuff that has helped me on my journey and can help you, too!

 

And leave feedback! I love to hear from you, especially if you have dealt with or are currently dealing with the same issues. We need to support each other

 

Forever and For Always

Ashley Grace

❤

Healthy Breakfast

Focusing on healthy choices is a lot harder than it sounds. Especially working on a limited budget. But I am determined to make it work. So here’s a breakfast update:

1/2 cup of greek yogurt (60 calories). 1/4 cup of honey bunches of oats (40 calories). 1/2 tbsp of honey (35). 1/4 cup of strawberries (13 calories). TOTAL: 148 calories.

Not too bad if I do say so myself!

Now its just about making one healthy choice at a time.

Best Of: Blogs!

Decided to chose a “best of…” topic every week and blog about them. This week is going to be “best of blogs.”

Today’s Best of Blog is Simply Taralynn (formerly UndressedSkeleton). Now some of you may recognize Taralynn from the “the girl in the green dress” photos that circulate in a lot of thinspirational and fitspirational circles.

Talk about a transformation! Taralynn went from being a pretty but unhealthily overweight teenager to a beautiful, healthy, fit twenty-three year old woman. As of now, she is “living it up as a blogger, photographer, freelance writer, social media marketer, and I have my new fitness line.”

Okay so let’s get started with reasons why I love Taralynn’s blog and chose it to be the first of my “best of blogs” series…

First and foremost…She is real. Taralynn isn’t some celebrity and fitness guru or supermodel. She is just a regular, every-day person. Her blog explains that that road has not been an easy one, filled with ups and downs, and many bumps in the road, but she is making her own way and finding herself in the process. If you would like to read about her story, please click the picture below.

Second…her website is super easy to navigate! (Click on the picture below to be directed to her home page!)

Across the top of her site is an easy to use navigation bar. Directly beneath that are some featured posts about fitness (left side), recipes (right side), and some recent posts (center).

Scroll down further and you will be met by a beautiful picture of the lovely Taralynn along with some links to her social media sites.

Next to this, are recent posts, categorized by things like “Eating at Restaurants” “Fitness” “Crafts & DIY” and even “Mr. Grumples” the blogger’s adorable goldendoodle.

Which brings me to the main reason I love this blog. Taralynn manages to blog about a little bit of everything. She boasts:

“You’ll find posts about restaurants, travel, cooking, fashion, fitness, or my rants. I think it’s safe to call me a “lifestyle” blogger. The reason I chose the name, Simply Taralynn is because I don’t want to categorize my blog. Although, I blog pretty much all aspects of my life, not everything is put on my blog. This year has been a mountain climb. If you’ve been following me over the years, you know what I mean. If you’re looking for a bumpy blog with obstacles, this one is for you. I’m no where near perfect, I make a lot of mistakes, I have a rocky past, but this is where I come to find ease, guidance and support. My readers are what keeps me going everyday.”

And it’s true. She is much more of a lifestyle blogger than a health and fitness blogger (though that does take up a significant portion of her posts). And I adore that about her blog. Not only does she blog about things that are important to her, but also things that are important to her readers. She inspires me to blog better and to focus on my health and fitness, too!

My only (very miniscule) complaint is that I could not find any link for contact information to send her an email letting her know how much I love her blog and to send her a link to this post in case she ever wanted to read my review.

***update: I contacted her via Twitter and she replied! And she even retweeted a link to my blog! Thoroughly impressed with her social media skills and her kindness. Just one more reason to love her & her blog ❤

All in all, I give this blog 5 out of 5 stars!

Forever and for always ~ AshleyGrace