Nothing More Than This

Head back against the wall 

eyes closed 

listening to the breeze as it rustles through the trees.

Warm air sweeps over my skin. 

Even in this simple peaceful moment 

I feel you. 

I hear you. 

You call me, 

beckoning me, 

telling me to just listen, 

to just trust you. 

You make it sound so simple, 

so easy. 

And I want to. 

Oh, how I want to. 

And in this moment 

I wish I was stronger, 

strong enough to let it go, 

strong enough to not need to be in control. 

In this moment 

I wish my heart longed for nothing 

more than it longs for you, 

for nothing but you. 

I am broken 

and I am damaged. 

I have no words 

to fill the emptiness in my self 

in my heart 

in my mind 

in my soul. 

I am left wanting, 

longing, 

desperately needing more. 

Be my more. 

Be all I need. 

Be my everything. 

Teach me to trust you 

and need nothing more than this. 

The Phoenix Will Rise

You tried to clip my wings,
to burn them away
so I could never again fly,
never again soar higher and higher
through the crystal blue skies.

Don’t you know, love
the joke is on you now?
For from their smoldering ashes
still sparking within the embers
the phoenix will rise.

You painfully chained me,
nailing my feet to the floor
while my head stayed
dancing among the clouds,
away from your lies.

Tearing flesh from the ground,
I am bruised and bleeding
my flesh destroyed;
but, from the brokenness,
the phoenix will rise.

You stop, you stare –
unable to understand
the firebird ascending.
Consuming flames grow higher
as the last tear dries.

Never again will I be bound,
broken or controlled,
manipulated by your kind.
I am the phoenix,
and the phoenix will rise.

  

Supernova

Supernova

It feels as if it was not so long ago when my countless days had run together to become a dark and endless night.

Out of the black depths you came with an explosion, fast and furious, a blinding white light.

Your voice called out amidst the noise, greater than a wave of rolling thunder.

You grabbed my heart and pulled it up from the shadows that threatened to drag me under.

Hand in hand, we danced beneath a midnight sky blanketed with pure crystal stars.

We burned with a light hotter and brighter than the suns of the million galaxies and all their worlds were ours.

The ages came and went as they pleased, waxing and waning like the midnight moon.

The infinite black skies constantly calling out around us, singing that same familiar tune.

But we paid no mind to the worlds below; because, for us, all of time stood still.

And as the universes changed, one after the next, we would swear, “we never will.”

But even the stars that shine, as infinitely bright as we do, were not made to last forever.

We could never have known that, even then, the ties that bound us had already begun to sever.

In an unforeseen turn, you said you needed to set me free, and your explosion shattered the sky.

As I plummeted from the heavens, and fell upon the earth, I could not avert my eyes from watching as all that I loved seemed to die.

I stood staring at the skies, as you burned out, wishing for my return to your former grace.

And the light you once were turned to black, leaving a wake of rainbow radiation in your place.

Looking up at the night, the sky was dim and dull, devastated by the loss of you.

But in the dark void, faintly glittering specks, new stars slowly started to push their way through.

Though not as bright and glorious as you once were, they slowly healed me of my falling scars.

And as the early dawn broke, brilliant and new, once again I made my home there among the stars.

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Letter to the One That Got Away

When we met it was one of the most difficult times of my life. I was going through a terrible divorce and the end of a very serious all be it short relationship with “The One That Always Finds His Way Back To Me.” And you were my lifeboat. You rescued me.

I love the story of us. In my mind it always goes something like this… Girl goes to philosophy class. Girl meets boy. Boy and girl always manage to sit near each other in class. They flirt and smile at each other and talk through class. She gets his name off a homework assignment and messages him online. Very nonchalantly she says “I think we’re in philosophy class together. Do you know when the next exam is?” 219 messages back and forth. Soon it moved from that to chat. Then texting. A whole 7 hour car ride back to the burg. And so it began…

You were dealing with a rough situation with a family emergency. I was broken and damaged from past relationships. We needed each other more than we realized. And our relationship blossomed from there. You were the perfect boyfriend. Flowers. And fun dates. And romance. And physical intimacy. And we never fought … except once over an ex who treated me like a doormat… and it wasn’t even because he and I were still friends, but rather that you thought I deserved a better friend. You made me feel happier than I’ve ever been. You brought out a side in me that felt confident and loved. You made me feel safe and secure enough to let go of my incessant need for control and just live in the moment.

You were everything I ever wanted. But time and distance tore us apart. And when you couldn’t come back to school in the fall, I knew that was the end of us. But we remained friends.

Through the end of my divorce. Through my long distance relationship with a guy I met in college. Through my long term relationship and engagement. Through calling off my wedding. Through a one night stand. You stood by my side through all of it. You were always there. Calling me out on my crap. And being the words of wisdom I always needed to hear.

But now we barely talk. Now I’m not sure if you even care. And it kills me. My head is telling me to get a grip and get over you and move on. But my heart is telling me I still love you and care for you and I always will. My heart is telling me there’s still hope even though there really isn’t. I know I should let you go, but I’m just not ready yet. You’re the one that got away

Letter to The Ex

Never in a million years did I imagine running into you again. I never imagined we would become friends. Start dating. Fall in love. Get married. Or divorced for that matter. I guess it just goes to show how time changes people.

There were signs along the way. I chose to ignore them. Your temper flared. You closed my arm in the car door. You knocked me off my bed. Hung up the phone on me and refused to talk. Our communication skills were abysmal. And yet I did it anyway.

I went through with the big frou frou princess girly girl wedding. I married the boy I knew from childhood. The one I thought loved me.

Turns out puppy love isn’t forever. And it turns out boys with bad tempers are something I manage to get myself into trouble with. The emotional and verbal abuse I could have handled. The physical abuse and many other issues finally came to be too much.

When it ended it was nasty and hurtful and one of the most difficult things I have ever endured or will ever endure. But I know now I am better for it. You taught me everything I know now that I don’t want. You taught me to hold my head high and my standards higher. You made me realize I cannot settle for mediocrity and unhappiness.

Letter to the One Who Left Bruises

You were all wrong for me. I knew it. You knew it. Everyone knew it. We were explosive. And not like pretty sparkly fireworks lighting up the midnight sky explosive. I mean dynamite thrown on an oil tanker burning the world to the ground explosive.

Your temper. My attitude. We were a bad fit from the start. And the fact that we all knew I loved him, not you…that made it so much worse.

I won’t forget the first time you hit me. The bruise it left. The way I covered it with make up. I spent the last quarter of senior year in long sleeves from the handprints and fingernail marks on my arm…to hide the bite marks and the places where your grip bruised my throat. Nearly drowned me at that pool party. Nearly knocked me unconscious when you pushed me down the stairs. Nearly killed me almost running me over with your truck.

I knew you were bad news. Trouble. So wrong for me. And I was so lonely I let the verbal and emotional abuse continue into physical. Until finally I escaped and ended it. I had done nothing to deserve it. I did nothing.

Saying I love you

Saying I love you, and really truly meaning it, is the hardest thing in the world to do. It doesn’t just mean I love you. It doesn’t just mean I want to be with you. It doesn’t just mean I think of you and dream of you. It doesn’t just mean that I want to make you laugh because it is the most wonderful sound I’ve ever heard. Or that I want to be the one to bring a smile to your face because it lights up a room. It doesn’t just mean promising to be there whenever you need me or want me. It doesn’t just mean I enjoy holding your hand or snuggling beside you. It doesn’t just mean that I love being around you and the way you make me feel. It doesn’t just mean I love you.

 

Saying I love you, meaning I love you, is that I want what is best for you, whatever it is that God has planned for you, even if it means that I do not get to be with you.

Inspire

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Talking to Colorado (aka Blondie & aka Denver):

I said “Inspire me. Ready set go.”

He replied “You’re inspired.”

I said “Okay. What am I inspired about?”

He replied “Being inspired.”

 

 

And funny enough… it sort of worked. It made me start to think about getting inspired and inspiring others and what I need in order to do that. It actually came from something I heard on tv earlier. The quote was “Happiness is not but a combination of happy moments. You have a happy moment. And then you have another one. And then another one. And that adds up to happiness. One moment at a time.”

 

That led me to thinking about the cliffs overlooking Lake Ontario at Fair Haven. I told Colorado… it is my secret place. it is the most amazing beautiful inspiring place. It is the hidden place on the cliffs at fairhaven. You cannot get there unless you know where you’re going. But up there…it is like time stands still and the beauty just overwhelms your senses… The smell of the lake and the forest, the cool breeze and the warm sun against your skin, the sounds of the birds, the way the sun sets over the lake. It is breathtaking…

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This place is the manifestation of my soul. It is everything I am and everything I hope to be. This place is where I felt most myself. And the most connected to God and the earth and everything that could be my past and present and future and all of life. In that moment, it was infinite and eternal. In that moment, I give up my fear of not being in control and give up my fear of the unknown. In that place In that moment, when I close my eyes, when I let the wind and the sun wash over me, the bird calls and the lapping of the lake fill my ears, when my senses are overcome by the memory and thoughts of it…nothing else matters and nothing else exists. In that moment, I am free.

numb

For so long, all I wanted was to be numb. All I wanted was to turn off my humanity and feel nothing. Because I cannot feel some things but not others. I feel all or nothing. I cannot separate my emotions. I wanted the nothingness. I wanted the darkness. I wanted it to consume me and hide the pain and hurt and anger I felt. It felt like one more thing would cause my heart to burst. And my mind couldn’t rationalize it or make my heart stop. So I needed to put it away. To turn it off. All I wanted was to forget what it was like to be happy and lose the happiness. I needed to be numb to it all.

But now, now I see how much I need it. All of it. I can’t be in the nothing again. I can’t pretend the feelings and emotions aren’t there. I can’t pretend it isn’t there. When I put it all away, when I turn of my humanity and feelings and emotions I lose part of myself that I desperately need. Without all of it, I can’t write or sing or even think straight. I need both sides of myself to survive. All I really need is to learn how to release those feelings in a more appropriate manner.

I see now that my darkness is a part of what has make me who I am. Without the darkness, the light wouldn’t shine quite so brightly. And without the pain, the joy wouldn’t be quite so wonderful.