You might hate me for it
But I see you
The real you
The one you pretend doesn’t exist
The one you try to hide from the rest of the world
And I think it terrifies you
It always has
And always will
Because you know with me there’s no lies
You know with me you can’t hide
Because
I
See
You
I have loved you with all that I am,
with every fiber of my being;
and,
when that moment comes,
and it is time for me to take my last breath,
I can go confidently saying
I.
Regret.
Nothing.
Our hearts were one.
They weren’t “as one”
or “like one”
they simply
“were”.
They were so intimately,
delicately,
definitively intertwined
that they had fused together
and become one entity –
one living,
beating heart.
That sound –
your heart,
my heart,
our heart made –
thrumming heavily in my ear
was inexplicable perfection.
I craved it.
I needed to lie beside you
and feel our pulse
coursing through me,
to feel us as one being.
But without explanation
or warning
it was torn apart.
No delicate surgeons hands
to uncomplicate
and untangle the mess.
Just searing,
white hot pain
that consumed every fiber
of what was
and ripped it to shreds,
leaving nothing
but a bloody
and mangled mess lying in my bed.
Now,
if we should pass out on the street
I don’t think we would even recognize one another.
Our hearts
no longer beating together as one heart,
unable to see
or feel each other,
left searching for that missing piece
it knows we once had.
How exquisite the pain of loss;
how intensely overwhelming.
And I cannot help but wonder,
do you feel it, too?
Does your heart ache with that same loss?
If you knew you had half of your heart
still here
in my chest,
would you come back to claim
and keep us,
returning our heart again?
My green eyed jealousy devours me
Thinking of you with anyone else.
Your hands on her hips
Your lips on her mouth
Your words whispered in her ear
The monster takes me over
And it is all consuming.
This town
Every inch of this town is covered in memories of you. They are bittersweet. Like a sour patch candy melting on my tongue. So sour it makes me cringe in pain then fading to find a sweetness I relish. And just like you, the memory is gone, fading uneasily from my mind.
But it’s so hard to forget when everywhere I go is a reflection of you. In the rear view mirror just like yesterday I see those eyes clearest of clear blue. And in that moment my heart was so easily melted just like it used to. But that was then, and it is no more, because this town is just a reflection of you.
I don’t want to be
just some faintly fading embers
of a memory
in the back of your mind.
I want to be the fire
that burned the hottest
and the brightest
and left a mark that challenged you
to change the fabric
of your very soul.
I want to be excruciating
And exquisite.
I want to be the one
you never forget.
I want
to be infinite.
Supernova
It feels as if it was not so long ago when my countless days had run together to become a dark and endless night.
Out of the black depths you came with an explosion, fast and furious, a blinding white light.
Your voice called out amidst the noise, greater than a wave of rolling thunder.
You grabbed my heart and pulled it up from the shadows that threatened to drag me under.
Hand in hand, we danced beneath a midnight sky blanketed with pure crystal stars.
We burned with a light hotter and brighter than the suns of the million galaxies and all their worlds were ours.
The ages came and went as they pleased, waxing and waning like the midnight moon.
The infinite black skies constantly calling out around us, singing that same familiar tune.
But we paid no mind to the worlds below; because, for us, all of time stood still.
And as the universes changed, one after the next, we would swear, “we never will.”
But even the stars that shine, as infinitely bright as we do, were not made to last forever.
We could never have known that, even then, the ties that bound us had already begun to sever.
In an unforeseen turn, you said you needed to set me free, and your explosion shattered the sky.
As I plummeted from the heavens, and fell upon the earth, I could not avert my eyes from watching as all that I loved seemed to die.
I stood staring at the skies, as you burned out, wishing for my return to your former grace.
And the light you once were turned to black, leaving a wake of rainbow radiation in your place.
Looking up at the night, the sky was dim and dull, devastated by the loss of you.
But in the dark void, faintly glittering specks, new stars slowly started to push their way through.
Though not as bright and glorious as you once were, they slowly healed me of my falling scars.
And as the early dawn broke, brilliant and new, once again I made my home there among the stars.
I thought I found my life partner. But the truth is, we never really allowed ourselves to be friends. And any great relationship is built on a solid friendship. In reality… We never would have been friends. We were complete opposites. We had nothing in common and would never have had anything to talk about or to do together. But somehow we tried to make a relationship work. We played house. We got the apartment and the dog and the furniture. We payed bills together and did couple-ish things together. But when the rough times hit it all fell apart. We realized how different we were and how nothing we wanted was the same. You broke my heart. I thought it was finally starting to heal after all I’d been through and you broke it.
I burry that feeling so deep down inside. I don’t let anyone see how much you really hurt me. But even just writing this has me crying. I try to distract myself with other things and other guys. And I try to act like you don’t still have a hold on me. But as soon as I hear your voice or think of our puppy or the things we used to do together I feel overwhelmed.
And then I have to “suck it up cupcake” and remind myself why we didn’t work. We fought all the time over every little thing. I have wanderlust and want to travel and experience life and move wherever God takes me… You didn’t want to be more than twenty minutes from your family. Your family that didn’t like me and treated me like an outsider. I wanted to settle down and have a family right away. You wanted to party and be a playboy and a cheater still. I wanted to follow my camp dreams. You didn’t understand them and didn’t want to be a part of them. I know what I believe because I have researched it and learned why it makes sense to me. You blindly followed a religion and a science that contradict each other just because that’s what you were told to believe. Everything about us was wrong together.
So why does it still hurt so much?
When we met it was one of the most difficult times of my life. I was going through a terrible divorce and the end of a very serious all be it short relationship with “The One That Always Finds His Way Back To Me.” And you were my lifeboat. You rescued me.
I love the story of us. In my mind it always goes something like this… Girl goes to philosophy class. Girl meets boy. Boy and girl always manage to sit near each other in class. They flirt and smile at each other and talk through class. She gets his name off a homework assignment and messages him online. Very nonchalantly she says “I think we’re in philosophy class together. Do you know when the next exam is?” 219 messages back and forth. Soon it moved from that to chat. Then texting. A whole 7 hour car ride back to the burg. And so it began…
You were dealing with a rough situation with a family emergency. I was broken and damaged from past relationships. We needed each other more than we realized. And our relationship blossomed from there. You were the perfect boyfriend. Flowers. And fun dates. And romance. And physical intimacy. And we never fought … except once over an ex who treated me like a doormat… and it wasn’t even because he and I were still friends, but rather that you thought I deserved a better friend. You made me feel happier than I’ve ever been. You brought out a side in me that felt confident and loved. You made me feel safe and secure enough to let go of my incessant need for control and just live in the moment.
You were everything I ever wanted. But time and distance tore us apart. And when you couldn’t come back to school in the fall, I knew that was the end of us. But we remained friends.
Through the end of my divorce. Through my long distance relationship with a guy I met in college. Through my long term relationship and engagement. Through calling off my wedding. Through a one night stand. You stood by my side through all of it. You were always there. Calling me out on my crap. And being the words of wisdom I always needed to hear.
But now we barely talk. Now I’m not sure if you even care. And it kills me. My head is telling me to get a grip and get over you and move on. But my heart is telling me I still love you and care for you and I always will. My heart is telling me there’s still hope even though there really isn’t. I know I should let you go, but I’m just not ready yet. You’re the one that got away
In high school you were taken. She didn’t deserve you. We all knew it. You were special. You were funny and unique and smart and kind and understood me in a way others rarely took the time to. You came across as this goofy and crazy boy, but I always knew there was so much more to you than that. You let me see the man you truly were. You listened to me in earnest and cared about my (more than often over emotional) feelings. You loved me honestly and faithfully even when we weren’t in love with each other.
But things changed and we grew apart.
It wasn’t until years later when I was drowning in an unhappy, abusive marriage that you re-emerged into my life. And you saved me. You saved me from him. And from myself. You gave me strength and bravery I never knew I had. And you reminded me who I was. You reminded me of that beautiful, crazy, funny girl I used to be.
I shared my hopes and dreams with you. And you eagerly wanted them with me. You loved me in a way that I hadn’t felt in a long time. You loved me in a way that I needed more than words could describe. You taught me to be hopeful again.
And even though things fell apart… Even though we don’t even speak anymore… There is still a part of my heart that is inexplicably yours. There is a part of me that will always be reserved for you and you alone. And in that part of me, buried deep down, hidden away from everything else… even sometimes hidden from myself… I cannot help but believe you’ll come back to me again…. that someday I will be at our camp, sitting in the sand by the lake watching a volleyball game, holding that little girl we always talked about having, and you will look over and smile at us with that smile … That goofy, adorable grin … realizing we made our dreams come true. And in that moment I will know no matter how long it takes and no matter how hard things get, you always come back to me.
A Heart of Grace 