poem

Breathe

Deep breaths they tell you.
Deep breath in.
Deep breath out.
Just let it go…
Repeat.
Repeat.
Repeat and repeat again.
Oh yes,
because that’s really going to help…
letting me breathe and find clarity,
clarity enough to think straight,
to overthink,
to allow my thoughts to wander
to those deep
and ever so dark recesses
in the very back of my mind,
to allow myself to think about all those things –
things I’ve hidden away,
about all the things
I don’t really want to think about,
things I would rather forget,
things I would rather pretend
didn’t exist at all,
things I wish never happened.
Clearly,
all I need
is to breathe.

Nothing More Than This

Head back against the wall 

eyes closed 

listening to the breeze as it rustles through the trees.

Warm air sweeps over my skin. 

Even in this simple peaceful moment 

I feel you. 

I hear you. 

You call me, 

beckoning me, 

telling me to just listen, 

to just trust you. 

You make it sound so simple, 

so easy. 

And I want to. 

Oh, how I want to. 

And in this moment 

I wish I was stronger, 

strong enough to let it go, 

strong enough to not need to be in control. 

In this moment 

I wish my heart longed for nothing 

more than it longs for you, 

for nothing but you. 

I am broken 

and I am damaged. 

I have no words 

to fill the emptiness in my self 

in my heart 

in my mind 

in my soul. 

I am left wanting, 

longing, 

desperately needing more. 

Be my more. 

Be all I need. 

Be my everything. 

Teach me to trust you 

and need nothing more than this. 

Changes. 

As you may have noticed, there have been a lot of changes to my blog lately. A lot of updates and layout changes and new formatting etc. etc. these changes are all just a part of the way that I am planning on making the site better. So if anybody has any input I would love to hear your feedback. 

The next big change and I will be working on this to the actual content of the blog. Don’t worry, I won’t be getting rid of my usual poetry or other random ramblings; however, I want to add things to the blog to make it better. One thing that I have asked friends and family members and some of my readers to give me feedback on is the top three articles that you feel would pertain to your life. Here’s some of the feedback that I’ve been given…
– social media addiction
– the emasculation of the modern man
– Christianity and feminism
– gym and nutrition
– advice for engaged & newly married couples
– facing your fears and living your dreams
– finding your self worth outside of relationships
And a few others.  What do y’all think.  What would you like to see more of? Articles like the above? Other ideas? DIY/arts and crafts? Recipes & nutrition & fitness? Lifestyle and random activities? I want to hear from you!!

Comissioned Part 2

I was paid to write a poem for a friend’s mom for mothers day. Here’s the result…

Ever since I was just a little girl
You taught me to be strong and to be brave
to be sure of myself and what I believe.
You showed me how to make my cocoon,
then emerge as something beautiful,
spread my newfound wings and leave.
Each day I find myself flying higher
Up into the great big, blue sky
Becoming the butterfly you hoped I would achieve.

Everything I now know about being free
and about being a beautiful butterfly
I have learned it all from you.
Every day my love for you expanded
just like my brilliant wings.
Every day it stronger and stronger grew.
Watching you fly made me understand
made me know that I could spread my wings
and that someday I would fly, too.

The Phoenix Will Rise

You tried to clip my wings,
to burn them away
so I could never again fly,
never again soar higher and higher
through the crystal blue skies.

Don’t you know, love
the joke is on you now?
For from their smoldering ashes
still sparking within the embers
the phoenix will rise.

You painfully chained me,
nailing my feet to the floor
while my head stayed
dancing among the clouds,
away from your lies.

Tearing flesh from the ground,
I am bruised and bleeding
my flesh destroyed;
but, from the brokenness,
the phoenix will rise.

You stop, you stare –
unable to understand
the firebird ascending.
Consuming flames grow higher
as the last tear dries.

Never again will I be bound,
broken or controlled,
manipulated by your kind.
I am the phoenix,
and the phoenix will rise.

  

Puzzle

Puzzles

I sit cross-legged on the floor,

my fingers gently tracing over the edges of the box 
I find the seam and cautiously pry it open, 
attempting not to spill its contents out across the floor. 
I set the box in my lap,
Then clumsily feel the flimsy cardboard pieces inside.
I feel their outlines,
round knobby protrusions, 
sharp corners,
smooth inward cuts,
all meant to click together seamlessly,
effortlessly,
coming together to create a grand larger picture.
I can’t see the bigger picture.
The blindfold over my eyes prohibits me from seeing anything 
and I hate it. 
My fingers fumble over the pieces,
trying to fit them together,
trying to create that perfect image,
without being able to see how they all fit one another. 
Infuriating. 
Exhausting. 
No matter how hard I try, 
no matter how many pieces I fuss over, 
I can’t seem to find any that fit together correctly. 
My legs have fallen asleep beneath me
so that when I attempt to stand 
the feeling of pins and needles 
becomes more like knives and daggers. 
It burns and I crumple to the ground. 
I let out a wail of frustration. 
Desperate for guidance. 
And in that moment I feel your arms wrapped around me
You guide my hands to two pieces
and help me feel how they fit together. 
I realize I never could have done it on my own. 
You show me another pair. 
And another.
And another. 
Soon, you have connected all the pieces. 
With none left, 
I feel you remove my blindfold.
Light floods my vision
blinding
and brilliant.
And before me lies a picture so wonderful, 
so beautiful,
I cannot help but cry. 
You wipe the tears from my eyes
and remind me everything is okay now.
You help me to my feet 
and we look down at the masterpiece you have created. 
This was your plan all along,
your perfect plan,
your perfect picture,
your perfect puzzle. 

Hope’s Slave

My heart ripped open –
soul and flesh laid bare.
Brilliantly, brutally honest –
the things I choose to share.
Dug up from the depths
of the darkness hidden within
come the secrets I’ve kept
of who I had once been.
Clawing and itching,
scratching it’s way to the surface
rearing its head yet again
in an ugly, tortured mess.
I try so hard to let go
of all the hurt I keep inside.
I try so hard to feel alive again;
but, I fear that part of me has died.
If I slay this terrible monster,
If I cut off the deamon’s head,
will it return with yet another –
stronger than the one I left for dead?
But hope, my cruel and lovely mistress,
tempting with what could be,
urges the fighter’s spirit long hidden away –
buried deep inside of me.
Could I fight the darkness?
Am I strong enough to win?
She reassures me I am capable
and tends the fire deep within
She beckons to me as a brilliant light,
calling it forth from the depths of my soul,
“Come out. Be reborn.
Be once again made whole.”

Asphyxiating Lie

There’s so many things
I keep wanting to say;
but, then all of my words
they just get in the way.
Could you possibly still love me
if you could only see
all the twisted dark things
that grow deep within me?
My heart is filled with fear
and my mind clouded by doubt
terrified I cannot withstand your judgement
of what is threatening to break out.
If you saw the ever terrible;
yet, wonderful trainwreck hidden within
would you love the beautiful mess
or condemn me in my sin?
So these thoughts remain hidden
locked away and buried deep,
never seeing daylight’s glow,
they’re my dark secrets to keep.
You ask me what is wrong
musing over my furrowed brow;
but, even that subtle little tell
is more than I had meant to allow.
I deny it adamantly,
telling you whatever you want to hear,
while I’m simply drowning,
suffocating in my own fear.
I’ve long realized it is easier
to tell that asphyxiating lie
than to let it all come flooding back
and let you make me cry