You might hate me for it
But I see you
The real you
The one you pretend doesn’t exist
The one you try to hide from the rest of the world
And I think it terrifies you
It always has
And always will
Because you know with me there’s no lies
You know with me you can’t hide
Because
I
See
You
Deep breaths they tell you.
Deep breath in.
Deep breath out.
Just let it go…
Repeat.
Repeat.
Repeat and repeat again.
Oh yes,
because that’s really going to help…
letting me breathe and find clarity,
clarity enough to think straight,
to overthink,
to allow my thoughts to wander
to those deep
and ever so dark recesses
in the very back of my mind,
to allow myself to think about all those things –
things I’ve hidden away,
about all the things
I don’t really want to think about,
things I would rather forget,
things I would rather pretend
didn’t exist at all,
things I wish never happened.
Clearly,
all I need
is to breathe.
Head back against the wall
eyes closed
listening to the breeze as it rustles through the trees.
Warm air sweeps over my skin.
Even in this simple peaceful moment
I feel you.
I hear you.
You call me,
beckoning me,
telling me to just listen,
to just trust you.
You make it sound so simple,
so easy.
And I want to.
Oh, how I want to.
And in this moment
I wish I was stronger,
strong enough to let it go,
strong enough to not need to be in control.
In this moment
I wish my heart longed for nothing
more than it longs for you,
for nothing but you.
I am broken
and I am damaged.
I have no words
to fill the emptiness in my self
in my heart
in my mind
in my soul.
I am left wanting,
longing,
desperately needing more.
Be my more.
Be all I need.
Be my everything.
Teach me to trust you
and need nothing more than this.
God has given me these big crazy dreams. And I found myself questioning, “Is it okay to fear failure? Is it okay to wonder if you’ll live up to those expectations? Is it okay to question how He could possibly fulfill all the wonderful, crazy, huge, seemingly impossible desires He’s placed in your heart? Is it okay to be afraid?”
Well… The first thing that came to my mind was a quote…
Here are just a few examples:
Isaiah 41:10 Do not fear, for I am with you; do not be afraid, for I am your God. I will strengthen you; I will help you; I will hold on to you with My righteous right hand.
Deuteronomy 31:6 Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.
Luke 12: 22-34 Then Jesus said to his disciples: “Therefore I tell you, do not be afraid about your life, what you will eat; or about your body, what you will wear. 23 For life is more than food, and the body more than clothes. 24 Consider the ravens: They do not sow or reap, they have no storeroom or barn; yet God feeds them. And how much more valuable you are than birds! 25 Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to your life[b]? 26 Since you cannot do this very little thing, why do you worry about the rest? “Consider how the wild flowers grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you, not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 28 If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today, and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, how much more will he clothe you—you of little faith! 29 And do not set your heart on what you will eat or drink; do not worry about it. 30 For the pagan world runs after all such things, and your Father knows that you need them. 31 But seek his kingdom, and these things will be given to you as well. 32 “Do not be afraid, little flock, for your Father has been pleased to give you the kingdom. 33 Sell your possessions and give to the poor. Provide purses for yourselves that will not wear out, a treasure in heaven that will never fail, where no thief comes near and no moth destroys. 34 For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.
Matthew 10: 26-31 So do not be afraid of them, for there is nothing concealed that will not be disclosed, or hidden that will not be made known. 27 What I tell you in the dark, speak in the daylight; what is whispered in your ear, proclaim from the roofs. 28 Do not be afraid of those who kill the body but cannot kill the soul. Rather, be afraid of the One who can destroy both soul and body in hell. 29 Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground outside your Father’s care.[b] 30 And even the very hairs of your head are all numbered. 31 So do not be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows.
So, the short answer…no. It is not okay to live life in fear. Whether that be fear of failure, success, or anything in-between. Time and time again, God’s word tells us not to be afraid. It tells us that He will take care of us and provide for us.
It is so easy for people to just say “don’t be afraid;” but, how do you get over that fear? How do you move passed it?
First, it is important to understand where fear comes from. While discussing the topic with my mother she brought up the point that “Fear and trust go hand in hand. When you don’t trust God and have faith in Him, it is hard to let go of your fear. You have to learn to trust that He has your best interests at heart.”
Which is exactly the point in the conversation where I went “so, how the heck do you do that?”
And I thought about it. And thought about it. And thought about it some more. And everything that I came up with boiled down into three words: faith, friends, & fight.
Faith
Spending time in communication with God and growing your faith is the best way to learn to trust Him. There are plenty of ways you can do this: spend time at church, spend time alone in prayer and worship, read your Bible, and spend time in fellowship with other Christians. Each of these things are equally important in my book. You can’t have a well-rounded faith without each of these components.
Why is faith important?
Because without a foundation in faith, it is easy to let the fear take over. It is easy to not understand WHY you, as Christians, do not HAVE to live your lives in fear. You have been made conquerors in Him. You have been made fierce warriors. And in claiming your place as His sons and daughters you claim victory over death and fear. And in doing so, you can cling to His promise that if you “delight yourself in the Lord, He will give you the desires of your heart.”
Friends
I once heard an analogy for friends that described the two types of people in the world. There are the people who “fill your bucket” and the ones who are constantly “putting holes in your bucket.” The former of these two are the friends who encourage you, support you, and push you to be better. These are the ones who will help you go after and achieve your dreams – the kind of friends who will encourage you to “swing for the fence”. The latter, well…they are emotional vampires. They suck away your time and energy with things that drain you. They are discouraging, depressing, and fearful. They are the ones constantly reminding you about the possibility that you will strike out.
Now which of these types of friends do you think are going to push you to live outside your comfort zone, go beyond your fear, and live life to the fullest? And now which one do you want to fill your life with?
Fight
We’ve all heard of the fight or flight response, right? Well the same thing is true of living your dreams. You can fear your dreams and run away from them. Or you can rise to the challenge, you can fight for them, you can make a plan and stick to it, and you can give yourself the opportunity to succeed.
As you may have noticed, there have been a lot of changes to my blog lately. A lot of updates and layout changes and new formatting etc. etc. these changes are all just a part of the way that I am planning on making the site better. So if anybody has any input I would love to hear your feedback.
I was paid to write a poem for a friend’s mom for mothers day. Here’s the result…
Ever since I was just a little girl
You taught me to be strong and to be brave
to be sure of myself and what I believe.
You showed me how to make my cocoon,
then emerge as something beautiful,
spread my newfound wings and leave.
Each day I find myself flying higher
Up into the great big, blue sky
Becoming the butterfly you hoped I would achieve.
Everything I now know about being free
and about being a beautiful butterfly
I have learned it all from you.
Every day my love for you expanded
just like my brilliant wings.
Every day it stronger and stronger grew.
Watching you fly made me understand
made me know that I could spread my wings
and that someday I would fly, too.
You tried to clip my wings,
to burn them away
so I could never again fly,
never again soar higher and higher
through the crystal blue skies.
Don’t you know, love
the joke is on you now?
For from their smoldering ashes
still sparking within the embers
the phoenix will rise.
You painfully chained me,
nailing my feet to the floor
while my head stayed
dancing among the clouds,
away from your lies.
Tearing flesh from the ground,
I am bruised and bleeding
my flesh destroyed;
but, from the brokenness,
the phoenix will rise.
You stop, you stare –
unable to understand
the firebird ascending.
Consuming flames grow higher
as the last tear dries.
Never again will I be bound,
broken or controlled,
manipulated by your kind.
I am the phoenix,
and the phoenix will rise.
I have loved you with all that I am,
with every fiber of my being;
and,
when that moment comes,
and it is time for me to take my last breath,
I can go confidently saying
I.
Regret.
Nothing.
I sit cross-legged on the floor,
My heart ripped open –
soul and flesh laid bare.
Brilliantly, brutally honest –
the things I choose to share.
Dug up from the depths
of the darkness hidden within
come the secrets I’ve kept
of who I had once been.
Clawing and itching,
scratching it’s way to the surface
rearing its head yet again
in an ugly, tortured mess.
I try so hard to let go
of all the hurt I keep inside.
I try so hard to feel alive again;
but, I fear that part of me has died.
If I slay this terrible monster,
If I cut off the deamon’s head,
will it return with yet another –
stronger than the one I left for dead?
But hope, my cruel and lovely mistress,
tempting with what could be,
urges the fighter’s spirit long hidden away –
buried deep inside of me.
Could I fight the darkness?
Am I strong enough to win?
She reassures me I am capable
and tends the fire deep within
She beckons to me as a brilliant light,
calling it forth from the depths of my soul,
“Come out. Be reborn.
Be once again made whole.”
A Heart of Grace 