After reading a recent article “14 ‘Innocent’ Things Guys Say That Make Their Girlfriends Explode” I realized just how big the lack of relationship advice there is for the men out there. Now, don’t get me wrong, I think Ashley Fern’s advice is right on point. Those 14 ‘innocent’ things are definitely things men should avoid saying to their women; but, here’s where I think Fern got it wrong, she didn’t give these poor guys any alternative solutions! As people are reading through the article they know all the wrong things they aren’t supposed to say and none of the right ones to replace it with. Whole lot of good that does them. So that sparked an idea in me for this post, to give them something a little more constructive and helpful…
1. “Relax.”
What he really means: ”Oh babe, don’t get so worked up, it’s really not a big deal.”
What it means to a female: “YOU ARE OUT OF YOUR F*CKING MIND.”
Why you should stop using it: Because no matter how sincere you are, this phrase is the quickest way to ignite the fire that’s already blazing.
Synonyms: “Calm down;” “take a deep breath.”
What you should say instead: “I understand that you are upset right now. What can I do to help?”
Why you should say it this way: Phrasing it this way acknowledges her right to have feelings and opinions about the situation and allows her to express what she needs to stop feeling that way.
2. “You’re crazy.”
What he really means: “You are acting completely irrational and out of character.”
What it means to a female: “What you’ve just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.”
Why you should stop using it: You ain’t seen nothing crazy until you label a woman as such; we take it as a challenge.
Synonyms: “You’re being irrational.”
What you should say instead: I’m sorry, I am having trouble understanding. Could you help me?
Why you should say it this way: This shows empathy and sympathy for the fact that she is upset which will help her calm down and become more rational. Then she can process and better explain her feelings and thoughts without being irrational and crazy.
3. “My ex never did this.”
What he really means: ”Someone I dumped so I could upgrade to you wouldn’t even pull a stunt like this.”
What it means to a female: “He hates me;” “I’m about to be dumped;” “FML.”
Why you should stop using it: This is a low blow and should never ever be uttered.
Synonyms: “This isn’t normal;” “I’m appalled;” “WTF did I get myself into?”
What you should say instead: Nothing!
Why you should say it this way: As Fern noted above, this is a low blow. Not only will it make her question if you still have feelings for your ex, but it will also make her feel as if you are over all unhappy in the relationship and with who she is as an individual. Just don’t compare her to an ex in any way, shape, or form.
4. “It’s not that big of a deal.”
What he really means: ”It REALLY is not that big of a deal.”
What it means to a female: “I don’t care about you at all.”
Why you should stop using it: It minimizes our concerns.
Synonyms: “I don’t care;” “It doesn’t matter.”
What you should say instead: I can tell that this is something that is important to you, so let’s do this your way.
Why you should say it this way: This lets her know that it isn’t as big of a deal to you as it is to her without minimizing her concerns. Also it resolves the argument so you can move on with the solution.
5. “It’s all in your head.”
What he really means: “I’m not sure why you would think that when there is no logical reason to…”
What it means to a female: “You are creating problems that don’t exist because you’re being paranoid for no reason.”
Why you should stop using it: It insinuates that we are crazy.
Synonyms: “That isn’t even true!”
What you should say instead: “Sweetheart, I am trying but I don’t understand why you think that and I really want to help. Could you please explain it to me?”
Why you should say it this way: This expresses to her that you genuinely do not understand why she is thinking what she is thinking but that you want to. It also does not imply that she is crazy, because as stated in number two, that’s never a good thing.
6. “You look fine.”
What he really means: ”You look good.”
What it means to a female: “You look absolutely awful”; “You look like nothing special.”
Why you should stop using it: Just tell the girl what you know she wants to hear, it’ll only help you out in the long run.
Synonyms: “That looks fine.”
What you should say instead: “You look good baby. I love…”
Why you should say it this way: Tell her she looks good, then pick something specific to compliment her on. It will make her feel special and confident and show her that you are paying attention.
7. “Whatever.”
What he really means: ”I give in! You win!”
What it means to a female: “I couldn’t give less of a sh*t.”
Why you should stop using it: We don’t believe for a second that you actually don’t care.
Synonyms: “It’s fine;” “We’re fine;” “Everything’s fine.”
What you should say instead: “I don’t want to fight with you. Right now I think we should take a quick time out; then, we can talk it over and figure out how to handle this together
Why you should say it this way: This tells her that you are sick of going around in circles with the argument. Giving yourself a time out allows you both time to cool off, then you can come back to the argument and discuss things calmly and rationally.
8. “I’m not mad.”
What he really means: “I am actually not mad at all.”
What it means to a female: “I am actually pissed and you definitely do not want to hear how I really feel.”
Why you should stop using it: We know you’re really pissed even if you don’t know it.
Synonyms: “I’m totally fine;” “I swear everything is fine.”
What you should say instead: Ya know babe, I know things have been a little crazy. Maybe I should just take some time to relax and think and then if I need to talk about it I will let you know.
Why you should say it this way: This lets her know you need time to cool down and she will back off. Sometimes telling her you just need a time out is all it takes to get her off your back. Then once you’ve had your time to relax, let her know you aren’t mad and you are ready to let it go.
9. “You look the same.”
What he really means: ”That is the best f*cking haircut I have ever seen in my whole life!”
What it means to a female: “Did you just waste $200 to look exactly the same?”
Why you should stop using it: JUST LIE TO US!
Synonyms: “You don’t look any different.”
What you should say instead: “Babe, you always look amazing. What did you do differently to it this time?”
Why you should say it this way: The compliment helps her feel pretty. Getting to tell you about what she did differently gives you the opportunity to see the difference and then come back with something like “Oh yeah. I see it now. It looks great” and give her a kiss. Just because you didn’t notice it right away doesn’t mean this has to turn into a fight with her feelings getting hurt.
10. “Are you sick?”
What he really means: ”I am very concerned for your health because you don’t look like you normally do.”
What it means to a female: “You look absolutely horrific and disgusting.”
Why you should stop using it: Do you want to make us any more self-conscious than we already are?
Synonyms: “Are you tired?”
What you should say instead: “You don’t seem like yourself today. Is there anything wrong or anything I can help you with?”
Why you should say it this way: This shows her that you are concerned without letting her misinterpret it that she might look a little run down. Also, it gives her the ability to tell you if something is wrong or if she does need a night off to relax.
11. “You have a big ass.”
What he really means: “I like that booty!”
What it means to a female: “You’ve got a little too much junk in your trunk.”
Why you should stop using it: We don’t take it as a compliment unless you explicitly say it as one.
Synonyms: “Give me that tush.”
What you should say instead: “Have I told you lately how much I love your …(body or body part)… and how amazing you look?”
Why you should say it this way: Telling her she has a big anything is never a good idea. Instead of making her feel sexy it will make her feel self conscious. So spin it into a compliment and make her feel wanted and desirable.
12. “It’s fine, no one will notice.”
What he really means: ”I can’t even tell that pimple is there.”
What it means to a female: “We did a half-ass job of covering up our blemishes and now you know exactly where they are.”
Why you should stop using it: Because you are just supposed to pretend you “don’t know what we’re talking about.”
Synonyms: “You can’t even see it!”
What you should say instead:
I know you’re worried about … But you honestly look great and (insert genuine compliment).
Why you should say it this way: Acknowledging whatever she’s worried about will calm her down and help her feel like she isn’t crazy. Complimenting her will help her to focus on something other than what she is obsessing over.
13. “I need some space.”
What he really means: ”I just need to focus on work right now; I have a very busy work week.”
What it means to a female: “You’re a suffocating monster.”
Why you should stop using it: Because the opposite would be much, much worse.
Synonyms: “I just need some guy time.”
What you should say instead: “I’m sorry if I have been a little off lately. I have been busy with … and it has me a bit distracted. I just need a little time to finish working on … and then we can spend some quality time together.”
Why you should say it this way: Saying it this way tells her exactly why you need some space and reassures her that it isn’t something she has done wrong.
14. “…Then why are you even her friend?”
What he really means: ”Why are you wasting your time with someone you clearly can’t stand?”
What it means to a female: “You are an irrational human being.”
Why you should stop using it: We need someone to vent to about our friends and it’s in your job description to fill this role.
Synonyms: “So why do you hang out with her?”
What you should say instead: “I understand that must be frustrating. Is there anything I can do to help?”
Why you should say it this way: This allows her to vent and get it out of her system. Usually after getting to vent she will admit that there’s nothing you can do about it, that it isn’t worth whining about, and move on.
A Heart of Grace 